Subscribe By E-mail


An Open Letter to Keebler

I am weird. And I have an insatiable sweet tooth. So when my favorite Keebler cookie suddenly disappears everywhere around town, what do you expect is going to happen? Yes, I submitted a bizarre note on their website looking for an explanation of the matter (I would have inquired on a FB or Twitter page, but they surprisingly don't seem to have one). See below.


Have Cheesecake Middles been discontinued, or has distribution just stopped to the Kansas City area? These little bites of heaven use to make me cry fudgy tears of joy on a regular basis, but all of a sudden, I couldn't find them when I took a trip to the store recently. I immediately felt a lump in my throat when I saw that empty spot on the shelf with little cookie tumbleweeds blowing by. My beloved Cheesecake Middles were nowhere to be found.


Not at Target. Not at the grocery stores. They were suddenly missing. My hunt continued for weeks, until just recently when I visited the cookie aisle and instead saw MINT CREME MIDDLES.

Please don't tell me you have stopped production on those delicious cheesecakey delights to instead produce God-forsaken, chocolate toothpaste circles. What a travesty.

If you plan to begin distributing Cheesecake Middles to Kansas City again, great! Please let me know when they will arrive and I will set up a pup tent outside the closest location in order to welcome their arrival as soon as the truck arrives (please warn your truck driver to not be alarmed or stab me).

If that is NOT the case, all I can say is that you have disappointed me, Keebler. You had a National Treasure (not the Nicolas Cage kind) in Cheesecake Middles and you threw it all away. And for what? Some high-level exec who likes the taste of mint better? Those health freaks at the USDA who claim that cookies and cheesecake shouldn't be enjoyed simultaneously in one harmonious bite? Psh. Give me a break.

Assuming you haven't already liquidated any remaining inventory of Cheesecake Middles, I've included my mailing address, so you can feel free to mail me any packages that are taking up room in your warehouse and preventing you from meeting your LEAN manufacturing standards.

Rest assured, even if I were to die a Cheesecake Middle-induced death, I would still sing your praises in my final minutes on Earth, as I clutch my last Cheesecake Middle and whisper "God..Bless...Keebler..."

I trust that you will make the right decision.

Just looking at this picture makes Mandy Moore's "Cry" start playing in my head.


They probably don't have a Facebook or Twitter account because of the poor internet reception in the elves' tree.

Post a Comment

Twitter Delicious Facebook Digg Stumbleupon Favorites More