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What do you get...

when you cross a pineapple with pressure points and a mile long walk?

I wish there was a hilarious knee slapper of a punchline to this one, but there's only one answer: a couple nearing the end of their pregnancy, desperate to try anything to naturally induce labor NOW.

Our due date is on in 5 days from now. As in, it is baby time, and there are many many people waiting on pins and needles for Ava to come out to meet them. Our hopes are to induce on Monday, but that all depends on how our appointment goes tomorrow, so you'll have to stay tuned for updates on that.

I'm an impatient person, and I'll fully admit to that. I'm very much an 'instant gratification' kind of guy and typically want things right away. When I buy stuff online, I get annoyed having to wait for it to be shipped. My road rage stems from the fact that I can't stand it when someone even dips under 60 when driving on the highway. I don't even like waiting 15 minutes for a pizza to bake in the oven when I come home hungry. Yeah, I'm impatient.

But with all that being said, I think I have done damn well waiting for a baby, and I would hope that my wife would agree. But I'm at the end of my rope, and am really, truly READY for why won't she just come out already?

Yes, I's come out when they are ready...they never come out when you want them to...blah, blah, blah. I've heard them all, 100 times each, forwards and backwards. I get it. But you know, taking a really deep look into it all, this lovely series of episodes of frustration, anxiety and eagerness are a nice little training session for the parenthood that lies ahead. After all, isn't this patience-testing repeated throughout the process of raising a child? Whether it be waiting for a certain stage to end (pacifiers!) to waiting for a certain accomplishment (potty training!) or even waiting for a certain level of respect (teenagers!) isn't this waiting essentially a mini-boot camp for us to hone our skills of coping?

Yep, patience is definitely a virtue, and it's not one that I can say I have a firm grasp of. But I'll say this much; preparing for a baby has helped me to begin developing my grip on it, and soon enough I'll be crushing patience in my fist, delivering spinebusters to serenity, and chokeslamming composure through the ring. I'll be like Shawn Michaels at the 1995 Royal Rumble, tearing through virtues like there's no tomorrow. Watch out, diligence! Meekness..your my bitch now!

Okay, I'll finish with that analogy because quite frankly, I don't entirely know where I'm going with it. To sum things up, as hard as it is to be patient and continue waiting, I know I should for multiple reasons. Not only am I simply bettering myself, but ultimately by learning to cultivate my ability to be patient, I'll be much more likely to pass this capability down to Ava. And if there is one thing that is worse than an impatient Pat, it's an impatient child..I don't care whose it is. Impatient children are the ones who throw public tantrums (please see rule #13 in my previous post) and have to get hauled out of restaurants, stores, etc. with snot dripping down their face, screaming because they aren't getting what they want right away. Not okay. And of course, this happens to even the most patient of children/parents; everybody has their bad day. But when it becomes a habit, that's a child who was never taught this simple lesson: sometimes you have to wait, and sometimes there's nothing you can do about it.

Of course, allow me to momentarily look like a hypocrite as I segue back into our latest attempts to bring about labor. You know, the Internet and I have a very love hate relationship. Given my job, and the things that I enjoy doing (I'm talking about fantasy football and downloading music, pervs), I love the Internet. What's a better way to find what you need, right when you need it? But that blessing is also the curse. If Amanda and I were having this baby 50 years ago, there wouldn't be any Internet for us to be searching for labor signs, methods of inducing labor, foods that induce labor, etc. Then again, if we were having this baby 50 years ago, Amanda's name would probably be Ethel, and we'd be listening to 'Ram-A-Lam-A-Ding-Dong' in my Studebaker on the way to the sock hop.

My point is, as nice as having a plethora of information is, having an overload of information (and especially MISinformation) is incredibly overwhelming in the worst way. Do you have any idea how many website, message boards, forums, etc. are out there for this kind of stuff? No really, do you? Because there WAY TOO MANY. Reading about all these 'signs of labor' is like reading Buddhist philosophies. This sign may exist or it may not exist. If this happens, it could mean something or it could mean nothing at all. The baby could actually there, or it could simply be a physical manifestation of our inner child wishing to come out. There's part of me that thinks pregnant women should be banned from the Internet for their own good. All these women come online and post absurd things that they think put them into labor, and then curse pregnant women of the future by causing them to assume it will work for them.

"One morning I decided to brush my teeth with my right hand instead of my left hand, and sure enough, 4 hours later I was at the hospital. That must have done the trick!"

"I was shaving my legs, and as I was shaving my left calf, my water broke. Must be an ancient secret pressure point!"

"I ate some yogurt that I realized was 3 weeks expired. A couple hours later, the contractions started booming. Let that yogurt sit, then go to town ladies!"

"I was playing track 9 on my Eagle Eye Cherry CD when I accidentally hit the reverse button instead of forward. There must be some labor-inducing backwards message, because little Randall pushed his way out that afternoon!"


In our search to find things that might get Ava moving a little sooner than her due date, we did our best to find things that seemed to have somewhat reliable backing or multiple sources saying that it had the potential to work. So are we just as guilty of encouraging the endless cycle of passing down labor induction techniques? Maybe. Does it seem kind of silly to have Amanda scarfing down pineapple in hopes that we can have Ava a few days sooner? Maybe. Do I look like a dumbass trying to hunt down pressure points on her hand and ankle and doing nothing but injuring the webbing between her fingers? Yes, there's no maybes about that one. But 9 months is a long time to wait for a lot of things, especially your daughter that you already love so much and just want to hold. I've literally daydreamed since March about what it's going to be like to have this new member of our family, so I can't help but be a little overly eager.

So I'll do my best to be patient, Ava, but it sure is hard. Tell you what, I'll make a compromise with you: I'll be patient right now if you promise to be patient with me the first few times I change your diapers. Deal?

See you soon little girl, I love you!


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