One Year Later: A Tribute To Jill

30 years. Said alone, it seems like an incredibly lengthy amount of time. But when applied to someone's life, it's like a blink of an eye. Today marks one year since my sister Jill passed away at just 30 years of age. They say that time heals all wounds, but in reality, the pain and sadness I feel from my sister's passing is just as fresh and omnipresent today as it was the day she passed away. But, this post isn't intended to be about my grief or sorrow. Instead, I thought I'd take this anniversary of her passing to reminisce on Jill's life and the impact she had in her 30 short years.

For those of you blog readers that aren't aware of Jill's story, let me give you a quick summary. (For those of you who are aware, feel free to skip through this paragraph). In February 2000, my sister was in a severe car accident where she hit a semi head-on. The accident left her with severe injuries, including a traumatic brain injury which left her comatose for a long period of time. In the decade between her accident and her passing, Jill had to relearn how to function, period. Talking, walking, basic human tasks, everything. Name a menial daily activity that you take for granted, and she had to learn to do it all over again. Her passing last August was completely unexpected, and happened in her sleep. It was suspected that it may have been related to her brain injury. Jill had experienced several seizures since her accident (which is common for people who suffer brain injuries), and it's very possible that she had a fatal seizure that night.

Jill's 10 years of life preceding her death were incredibly difficult. There's no other way to put it. I had to see my big sister, whom I idolized and looked up to as a youth, go through physical and mental torture to simply be able to live. Countless hours of therapy, multiple surgeries, doctor after doctor after medication after medication. It pained me every day to see what she had to go through just to live what her new version of normal was. But here's the thing: she did it all with a smile. I kid you not. Sure, she had a bad day every now and then, but her attitude throughout her therapy process was absolutely incredible. She approached her development with humility, a sense of humor and genuine determination.

I suppose I should back up a bit and describe Jill before her accident. She was not your typical girly-girl by any means. From a young age, she showed incredible intelligence and constantly strove for academic excellence. She was a proud, t-shirt wearing member of her high school's math club. In college as a science student, she was much more prone to jumping into a lake to collect a specimen than to jump into a keg stand at a party. She was fluent in Spanish and a ridiculously talented pianist. If there was one fault Jill had, it was that she was completely unaware of just how great she was. Whether it was a case of extreme modesty or just a lack of self-awareness, I don't know. But for how talented and smart she was, she was never big-headed or egotistical. In fact, she spent much of her life blending into the background of social scenes and cliques.

For all of these reasons, I grew up with an intense admiration for Jill and who she was. She embraced her "nerddom" and didn't fall victim to outside pressures and influence. She stayed true to who she was and was never apologetic for the things she loved. As I grew up and watched her behavior and attitudes, I tried to model myself after her and never be ashamed of who I was. Jill was a tough 'act' to follow as a kid, because she left a lot to live up to in terms of accomplishments. But as a sibling, she was always a teacher and a friend rather than a taunter or a competitor. Whether it was showing me the secrets of Super Mario Brothers 3 or letting me listen to the Violent Femmes as we rode in her Integra, I cherish every memory I have with Jill, as she was always an open book. I always felt like I was learning something or getting an 'inside glimpse' into her life. Despite our 5 year age difference, she was willing to bond and share with me, and I wish I had thanked her more for that when she was alive.

When her accident occurred, it was absolutely devastating. Her life, as well as our family's, got flipped upside down. Her education and career goals came to a screeching halt. Everything did. But here's the thing about Jill: she perseveres. When she was in her coma, every day was a hope. It was also a fear. It was a question and a worry. Comas aren't like what they show you on TV; people don't just pop out of them, ready to take on the day. It was a slow, gradual process and even when her eyes started to open, the future was still a big, burning question mark. But Jill fought. Slowly, she opened her eyes. Slowly, she began to communicate. Slowly, she spoke again (and in Spanish, nonetheless). She moved limbs, she took steps, she regained her personality and even started playing the piano again (and remembered her old concertos, believe it or not). And here's the amazing part; you might expect most people to become depressed through all this. To have such a promising life, then have it ripped away so suddenly is a horrifying thing.

But something happened to Jill that was on the other end of the spectrum. Jill seemed to gain a newfound sense of increased clarity, compassion and calm. I can honestly say that in the last 10 years of her life, I don't know that I ever heard Jill say a bad word about anyone. She had a new, innate ability to find the good in everyone she met. I hate to use the phrase 'innocence of a child' because I think it belittles her mental capabilities, but there was an air of happiness, trust and joy that was so refreshing. I don't know how she did it. She woke up every day, after experiencing personal tragedy and disaster, and took life on with a beautiful smile. She took a little longer to do things and had missteps and stumbles here and there, but she approached it all with humor and acceptance. Through her surgeries, Jill had a number of metal pieces placed in her skeleton. She used to joke that she was like the bionic woman and how much trouble she has at airport security. She also took a number of medications, and would often joke that she doesn't need to drink because given how all the medications make her feel, adding drunkenness to the mix would be frightening for everybody. I was always astonished that she was able to joke about things that made ME want to cry just knowing that she had to endure them.

Even with her physical and mental setbacks, Jill continued to work hard at everything she did. One of her most recent accomplishments was losing quite a bit of weight. The glow in her face when she would show off her new pants and talk about how much she had lost would always put a smile on my face. I did my best to always remind her that she could do whatever she wanted to do and I would always be there to support her. Considering all she did for me as a kid growing up and trying to figure life out, I owed her that at the very least.

The fact that my beautiful sister had her life cut so short makes my heart hurt constantly. It's not right. It's not fair. It makes me angry that this amazing person who had so much to offer and had such an incredible outlook on life had to leave us. While I'm so happy that she was able to be an Aunt for a short period of time before her passing, it saddens me that she will miss out on so many significant events in Ava's life.

I miss her every day. I'm constantly surrounded by subtle reminders of her and the amazing lessons and legacy that she left behind for us. I can only hope that I live the remainder of my life with the attitude that she had.  And I guess when someone you love is taken away unexpectedly, that's ultimately what you have to do. Use the anger, the sadness, the confusion and frustration, and funnel it into an effort to live your life in honor of the person that left you.

Jill, I promise that I will live the rest of my days in honor of you and the example you set. I love you.

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Put On A Happy Face

I've had a rough week. I won't go into detail (although part of it will be explained in a post later this weekend), but it has been one of the most trying, stressful and saddening weeks I've had in a long time. Here's the hard part about being a dad and having a bad week: I hate being upset or in a bad mood in front of my daughter.

This is a constant mental struggle for me. As her father and as someone she looks up to and is constantly watching, I feel like I should always 'put on my happy face' and be smiling and laughing. She's so quick to mimic and mirror behaviors and attitudes right now that I hate the idea of making her upset or grumpy because she can see that her dad is.

But on the other side of the coin, life isn't always a constant series of good moods. Now, I'm not trying to teach my toddler deep philosophical life lessons already. But, rather than feeling the need to constantly plaster on a fake smile, maybe I should use these bad moods to let my little girl know that it's okay to be sad sometimes. It's okay to have a bad day. It's okay to come home sometimes after a long day and cry, frown or in daddy's case, grab a beer and melt into the couch.

As parents, we all want to be invincible. We want to be the best, the happiest, the smartest, the funniest. Chances are, all of us moms and dads have far too many days where we have to struggle to put on a smile and fight through the urge to scream, cry, punch a pillow, or whatever venting mechanism we need for our frustrations. And sometimes, masking it is okay.

But sometimes, we just need to be transparent. I've realized this week that it's okay for my daughter to know that I'm sad. As happy-go-lucky of a person that I am, I'm only human, and the bad moods will come sometimes. And if I want my daughter to be emotionally healthy and feel comfortable expressing what she's feeling, then I sure as hell better do the same for her as she's growing up and developing. (Don't you love those classic 'Practice what you preach' scenarios?)

The other night when I was with my little girl, I explained to her that I was having a bad week. I told her why. I spilled my guts to my daughter who isn't even 2, and it felt amazing. She had no idea what I was saying for the most part, but she did pick up on the word 'sad'. It's a funny thing about little kids; as much as they are still learning about life, they have a very keen emotional sense. My daughter knows the difference between my goofy, lip-pouting sad face and genuine dejection. When she could tell that I was legitimately upset and not feeling like my normal, silly-daddy self, she knew. And she gave me a hug.

And it was the best I've felt all week.

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Wild Kingdom

It's good to be king. And right now, Mike and Nate of Thank Heaven For Beer/Wilderness Brewing Co. have to be feeling like royalty. With just about an hour left in their Kickstarter campaign, the entrepreneurial duo has already exceeded their fundraising goal, which will allow them to open the nanobrewery they dreamed of.

When I blogged about their Kickstarter campaign before, I was genuinely optimistic and excited for them to raise the money they needed to accomplish their dream. And now that the funding has been reached, I am even more optimistic and excited to see their progress as they build their brewery and begin creating artistic and unique brews for beer geeks like myself to enjoy.

I anticipate this won't be my last blog post about Wilderness Brewing Co. I have every intention of following their progress, and once their beers are available, I have no doubt they'll be making an appearance (if not multiple appearances) in my Beats and Beer Friday posts.

Mike and Nate, my sincerest congratulations go out to the both of you. And if you are ever in need of an outsider's taste buds to test your batches, I am ready and willing to sacrifice for the cause!

If you are on Twitter, make sure to go tweet Mike and Nate and give them your congratulations.

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Midwest Dud Fest

My daughter is finally starting to reach the age where we can venture out and find entertainment from a variety of sources and events. Long gone are the days of 'she's just a baby, she'll have no idea what the hell is going on.' So, when I recently heard that an event called Midwest Kids Fest was going to be taking place in Overland Park, I immediately checked it out and planned to attend with Ava.

The list of entertainment options sounded great. Kids activities! Games! Kids characters! Stage entertainment! Interactive workshops! And with tickets only $5, how could you pass something like this up? Well, as I learned after attending, pretty easily once you find out what the event is REALLY about.

I'll cut to the chase: Midwest Kids Fest is a glorified trade show aimed at getting parents' information for vendors to use as sales leads. One thing I WISH I had looked at before attending was who the vendors were. Let's take a look at some of the wonderful organizations that my daughter had available to her:

Bath Fitter
First Investors
Fulk Chiropractic
Hague Quality Water
Leonardi Chiropractic (who knew kids had so many skeletal issues)
Mary Kay
Mutual of Omaha
ReBath
Renewal by Andersen (replacement windows)
St. Clair Corporation (windows and vinyl siding)

Now, maybe I'm alone here, but my child doesn't have a lot of interest in home remodeling, investing or cosmetics. Now obviously, I "get" that the organizers know that parents are going to be there, and can make money from  parent-focused vendors that buy booth space. But despite the fact that I "get" it, I think it sucks. Don't label yourself a 'Kids Fest' when your main attraction is trade show style booths with pushy vendors trying to slang their product or weasel parents into filling out contact information forms. Pardon my French, but no, I don't want a fucking water evaluation, I want to have fun with my daughter. THAT'S what I paid for. Not your sales pitch.

These kids seem awfully happy to have their parents hounded by salespeople.

I guess it's only fair to note that there WERE activities and fun things for kids to do. Of course, the majority of them cost extra money, which is conveniently unmentioned in the promotion of the event. Want your face painted? 5 bucks. Want a balloon animal? 5 more bucks. Want to feed the goats at the petting zoo? Give us a dollar for a 2 ounce Dixie cup of food. Fortunately, my daughter is very thrifty and was picking up the food off the floor that other kids had dropped. Way to beat the system, Ava!

And the kids characters that were supposedly there? Never saw one. One of the main things I was taking my daughter there to see was Elmo (she has a mild obsession) and it never happened. I know they were there at SOME point, because I've seen other people with pictures of Buzz Lightyear, but apparently you have to hit the perfect 15 minute window of time in order to make this happen. Or maybe you are just supposed to pay extra to meet the costumed characters.

So there you have it. All in all, Midwest Kids Fest was a joke of an event. When I left, I wasn't mad, but I was disappointed. However, what happened later DID make me mad.

I took to Facebook to see if anyone else had been disappointed in the event. Sure enough, one of the first comments I saw on the Midwest Kids Fest Facebook page was a mother who had the same concerns and feelings I did. She had expressed them in a perfectly constructive and calm manner on their Facebook Wall. I commented on her post and said that I felt the same way and gave some suggestions for how to improve the event.

I revisit the page maybe 30 minutes later to see if there's been any other discussion or activity and…wait a minute, where did our comments go? Yep, deleted. Now, as a blogger, and heavy social media user both in my professional and personal life, I know there's one big no-no when it comes to handling your business' social media pages: deleting negative comments that are actually constructive. I didn't go on a swear-fueled rant. I didn't call names, I didn't do anything aggressive or inappropriate. But apparently Midwest Kids Fest would prefer to delete and ignore people's opinions than address them and try to improve their lackluster event.

Now, this just fueled my fire and I wrote another post on their Wall, telling them that I thought it was ridiculous that they deleted the comments, especially when they were constructive criticisms. Well, what do you know, this was deleted too. Now, somebody did message me (I'm assuming an organizer of the event) telling me that any criticisms or suggestions should be directed to some form on a website, blah blah blah, but I thought this was still a sad attempt at damage control. Don't start a social media page if you aren't prepared to deal with issues in a PUBLIC forum. What's especially funny is that the majority of the positive comments/compliments on their page right now are from vendors. Imagine that!

Interestingly enough, I also spoke to a vendor (who will remain unnamed) from the event who agreed completely with what I said. Specifically, the vendor said that the event needs to focus more on activities for the kids and less on sales gimmicks.

Weird, Midwest Kids Fest, you have multiple attendees and even a vendor saying the same thing about your event..maybe it's actually true? Maybe these are legitimate concerns? I guess we'll never know as long as you keep deleting and ignoring people's comments. Constructive criticism doesn't make you any money, so I guess that's why it's not important to you.

Parents, I advise you to avoid this event in the future unless they make some notable changes. If you want a petting zoo, go to Deanna Rose where it only costs $2 to get in, and there are a lot more animals. If you want to paint your kids faces, go get a kit from the store. You could probably paint 20 kids faces for the cost of getting one cheek done at Midwest Kids Fest. Want balloon animals? Well, I don't really know how to help you with that unless you have a trained clown in your immediate family. But you get the idea.

Parents, save your hard-earned money and don't buy your way into an uncomfortable, deceitful venue where the focus is vendors trying to push their wares and services on YOU. No event deserves to take advantage of your desires to entertain your children by turning you into a sales lead.

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College Me vs. Dad Me

At first glance, the college version of me and the dad version of me might look incredibly similar. However, like many things, the devil is in the details. Here's an illustrated guide to determining the difference between a college student worn out from excessive partying and a young dad worn out from excessive fathering. (click to expand image)

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