A MINE Sweeping Realization

Though my daughter is now officially in her 'Terrible Twos' phase, she naturally got a head start on this period of stubbornness and started her 'No' phase months ago. But now that I've become numb to the consistent toddler hard-headedness, a new behavioral development has entered the fray: The 'Mine' phase.

While the sheer thought of this phase may strike fear into the hearts of some parents, I've spent most of the time scratching my head out of confusion. Because here's the thing: my daughter is weird. And most of the objects she's been claiming as 'hers' are really absurd or just don't make any sense.

Nail clippers. Diced carrots. A bucket lid. A washcloth.

It just hasn't added up. I might have been worried up to this point if she was stealing items from people and claiming them as hers or trying to do it with things like expensive electronics or priceless antique heirlooms (as if I own any of those anyway). So what's the story then? Why the random objects? Why the sudden insistence on claiming items of no value as hers? Then it came to me this morning.

My toddler is a hoarder.

It all makes sense now, really. How she can sit in her own poop and not seem to mind. How she dumps all of her toys all over the living room and takes no issue with just walking all over and through the mess. How, if it were up to her, she'd bring every cat, dog and woodland creature into our home and let it live there indefinitely. I've watched TV. I've seen the reality shows. I know these symptoms, and I know my daughter is starting the path to becoming a grade-A, certified pack rat.

For the love of God, tell me this won't be my daughter in 40 years.

Parents, stop for a moment and take off your rose-colored glasses. Listen for a moment. Does your toddler claim strange objects as his or her own? Look at their room. Should there be FEMA trailers parked next to their changing table? Maybe you are raising a junior hoarder yourself and just don't recognize the signs. Don't live in denial.

So the next time I hear her proclaim "Mine!" for a random, unnecessary object, only one question will come to mind..

Do I start the intervention now or wait until I've pitched a new toddler hoarding concept to A&E?

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Controlling the Sailor

I have a terrible mouth. Really. Ever since I discovered cursing, my language has gotten progressively worse, and in college it was safe to say that I could rarely form a sentence without an expletive thrown in. To say I cursed like a sailor seems like a bit of an understatement.

Of course, the birth of my daughter caused me to make an immediate change in my choice of words. The majority of the time, you might hear me using such dangerous phrases as 'Geeze Louise', 'Son of a bee sting' or 'Mother of pearl'. Every time I feel myself getting worked up and on the verge of spouting out some atrocious set of words, I feel those little, blue innocent eyes looking up at me waiting to hear what I'm about to say. And given the fact that at her age, she's essentially a parrot, I've developed an amazing amount of self-control and ability to censor myself.

But, sometimes I slip. And on rare occasion, I've slipped big time. One such occasion occurred just the other day, when I was participating in my most common curse-inducing activity..

DRIVING.

I have no patience on the road. Zero. Zilch. I am that person that you see on your morning commute that is hitting the steering wheel and screaming like they just escaped from the sanitarium. 'Road rage' often seems like too innocent of a phrase to describe the furies I can get into when people are driving like morons.

I think this guy forgot to put a few fingers down.

Despite this fact, I've done a really good job of keeping my temper in check when I have Ava in the car. But recently, I was driving along like any other evening, when some mental giant cut me off and slammed on his brakes. I narrowly avoided bashing into his car, and all I could think was 'If my daughter gets hurt right now, I will go to jail for murdering this person on the side of the road'. After normal traffic resumed, and I had pulled myself together, I realized that I had definitely cursed during this situation, but honestly didn't remember exactly what I had said. Until a little voice emerged from the backseat that clued me in..

"Fah…keeng…id…uht."

Oh. Oh dear God. As Ralphie from A Christmas Story would say, I dropped the queen mother of all dirty words, and Ava played it right back for me as a reminder of how terrible of a person I am.

With my jaw now hitting the gas pedal and my heart rate skyrocketing, I panicked to figure out how to address this with her. The only thing I could think of was to say "No no, we don't say that, that's bad!" Of course, she's staring at my blankly, and I can hear the tiny voice in her head saying, "Wwell then why did you say it, idiot?" And why wouldn't she stare at me blankly? She's 2, she doesn't know what a 'bad' word is, she's still wrapping her head around what a WORD even is.

I essentially realized that there was nothing I could do at the moment, other than hope that she didn't repeat it again, and use the scenario as a reminder to be constantly aware of what's coming out of my mouth. Fortunately, she didn't say it again, though I was on pins and needles for the entire drive, hoping that this phrase wouldn't suddenly become a staple of her toddler lexicon. I was just imagining her wandering around saying "Elmo? Mickey? Chicken? Fucking idiot?"

I felt like a terrible parent. A terrible person, really. But as the night went on, my guilt subsided as I realized that I'm obviously not the first person to curse in front of their child, even the first person to drop the good old F-Bomb. Ava isn't going to grow up to be some maladjusted ne'er-do-well simply because I had a spell of road rage.

I know the cursing sailor in me will never completely die, but the key is learning to control when he makes his presence known.

What about you, parents? Have you had a moment where your inner sailor came back to haunt you?

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The Defiant Toddler Drinking Game

My daughter has officially begun her "No" phase, and has started things off in full force. Every question asked of her is promptly countered with a defiant "No!" But rather than spout out a long-winded post about my experiences with terrifying phase that every parent has to deal with, I instead decided to create a method of dealing with the issue. Parents, please see The Defiant Toddler Drinking Game below. Enjoy, and remember to parent in moderation!

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The Battle of Price Chopper

It was Saturday, August 20th of the 2011th year. The day would go down in infamy as hosting the most intense battle to date between two rivals that will forever butt heads: Independent Toddler and Disciplinary Dad.

The Battle of Price Chopper came to fruition out of seemingly inconsequential circumstances. Disciplinary Dad had escorted Independent Toddler to make a mandatory, standard expedition to the store to purchase rations. Allies at the time of arrival, Disciplinary Dad was ignorant to the fact that Independent Toddler would soon turn on him and make the Battle of Price Chopper a living hell he would never forget.

The first skirmish occurred in the neutral territory of the produce section. The seemingly bright and airy region soon turned gloomy and menacing when Disciplinary Dad refused Independent Toddler her right to carry the 3 pound bag of bananas while in the shopping cart. The decision was predicated on previous encounters where innocent fruit had been sacrificed at the hands of Independent Toddler.

Seeing this as a spit in the face in the wake of their alliance, Independent Toddler showed no hesitation in firing away with a counter attack. A shrieking battle cry followed by rapid fire tears rendered Disciplinary Dad confused and without a plan of action. Quick on his feet, Dad offered a truce of a single banana for Toddler to hold. The offer was accepted and temporarily calmed the storm, but trouble was brewing again on the horizon.

Tired of being restricted to her shopping cart seat and seat belt, the beans and canned tomatoes aisle found Independent Toddler ready to break free from her fabric straps of capitalist oppression. Working quickly to catch Disciplinary Dad off his guard, Independent Toddler let out her signature battle cry and took a sweeping blow at a can of dark red kidney beans in an attempt to shed first culinary blood on the sacred Price Chopper grounds.

Fortunately, through his years of intensive training, Dad saw the can strike in his periphery, and used his cat-like reflexes to make a lunging grab, rescuing the can from what was sure to be an early demise. With narrowed eyes and a stern voice, Disciplinary Dad warned Toddler that such an attack would not be tolerated again and that consequences would be felt.  However, Disciplinary Dad's attempts to assert dominance were soon overcome by fear as he saw an emerging lower lip and watery eyes.

Independent Toddler's shopping cart battle skills were renowned throughout the land.

Wanting to duck for cover but knowing he must face this challenge head on, Disciplinary Dad scooped up Independent Toddler as the tears of battle rained down from her face. Cries for "Mama" echoed through the cavernous shop as Dad did everything in his power to diffuse the situation. Knowing certain weaknesses of the Toddler side, he lowered her to the ground and asked her to help push the cart. Met with a grin, a wave of relief swept over Dad as the trek to reach the frozen foods continued.

A successful march through the dairy section had Dad feeling cautiously optimistic. But he knew that the biggest challenge of this battle still lay ahead. He had the unfortunate task of moving Toddler back to her original position and applying her restraints while he paid for the rations that had been collected. This exact scenario had led to numerous ambush attacks in the past, so Dad kept his head on a swivel and knew that he may encounter the worst.

And encounter the worst he did. All seemed well and good as he approached the belt and loaded his materials. The friendly alliance with Toddler seemed to be returned to it's normal state, and no indications of aggression or tension were present.

But little did Dad know that Toddler was just a small trigger away from the most devastating blow in the history of Price Chopper and Dad alike. Upon seeing Dad's car keys being passed to the checkout clerk for discount redemption, Toddler immediately felt spited and saw her alliance crumble before her very eyes. Those keys were HERS. By allowing a third, unknown party to access those keys was an unconscionable act and had to be dealt with severely. Dad would pay.

All fell silent as a Toddler war scream rattled the windows. An OK! Magazine was grabbed and went flying across the tile. Outstretched arms reached for the object of controversy as "KEEEEEEEEYS!" was repeatedly screeched towards the cashier. Eyes wide with fear, the employee tried to pass the keys to Dad, but fumbled in her fright. Dad lunged to snatch the keys off the belt and handed them to Toddler in hopes of calming her as she sobbed in despair. It worked temporarily, but Dads minutes were numbered. He entered his debit card PIN number as fast as humanly possible, and offered his wallet to Toddler as a secondary peacekeeping gift. The effort worked, and Dad and Toddler made their way to their vehicle to exit Price Chopper.

Sweaty, exasperated and defeated, Dad collapsed into the seat of his car while Toddler gleefully tossed debit and credit cards around the backseat. There was no question. Toddler had won the Battle of Price Chopper. But the War was ongoing, and Dad could only prepare in hopes of getting the upper hand in the next encounter with Independent Toddler.

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If My Toddler Tweeted

Every day I wonder what exactly is going through my daughter's head. Today though, as I tweeted my own thoughts (excessively, I'm sure), that curiosity went a little farther and I said to myself "What would she tweet about if she had the dexterity and mental capability to do so?" Below is a fictional account of what a day's worth of tweets might look like coming from my 20-month-old.

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7:02 AM: "Good morning tweeps! Could totally sleep for another hour, but going to stress everyone out and wake up now, LOL!"

7:14 AM: "Oh great, bananas and toast for breakfast AGAIN. Can't wait til I'm able to speak so I can tell my dad to make me some pancakes! #Overit"

7:38 AM: "Anyone else really getting into Jake and the Neverland Pirates this season? @DisneyChannel is killing it with this show! #YoHoHo"

8:07 AM: "Mom just took my binky away. Said I can have it again at nap time. About. To raise. HELL!"

8:51 AM: "OMG YES. RT @SesameStreet Retweet this message for your chance to win an all-expenses paid trip to meet Elmo!"

10:17 AM: "Just left Mommy & Me class. Met the cutest guy there, but he's only 15 months and I didn't even get his name (he can't talk). UGH."

11:03 AM: "RT this if you hate it when your parents tell you 'No no!' #TeamDoItAnyway"

11:27 AM: "Does anybody else have these vacuum monsters at their house? Seriously freaks me out. I don't trust that thing at all!"

11:59 AM: "At Deanna Rose Farmstead. I love the animals at the place, but why does it smell like the inside of my Diaper Genie? #NoseplugsPlease"

12:42 PM: "Suddenly feeling so exhausted..."

3:04 PM: "WOW, I totally passed out LOL! Oh well, up and ready to take on the rest of the day. Sidewalk chalk, anyone? #Leggo"

3:12 PM: "Someone please explain why cars can't be drawn on? And why I have to hold hands whenever I walk somewhere? I swear, I can't do ANYTHING."

3:55 PM: "Before I forget, #FF some of my fav brands: @Pampers @GracoBaby @BabyEinstein @ToysRUs @Britax @OldNavy (love their tops!)"

4:19 PM: "Just made Mom read 'The Very Hungry Caterpillar' for like the 9th time LOL. What can I say, I love that page with all the food!"

5:37 PM: "Daddy just got home. Where does he go all day anyway? Oh well, I've got a giant poop I'm about ready to unload for him. Start the countdown!"

5:46 PM: "Mission Dirty Diaper Accomplished! Take that, @AFOMOBlog!"

6:25: PM: "About to get into the bath. Realized I should have saved that poop for the tub. Darn it! #IllDoItTomorrow"

6:32 PM: "What do you guys think about these two red things on our chests? I guess they are called 'Nee nees'? Seriously, so weird!"

7:04 PM: "Oh jeez, Dad's filming me again. Making me pretend to be a rapper or whatever. He's so easily entertained! #BabyLife"

7:48 PM: "Milk in one hand, binky in the other. Getting rocked with my favorite blanket. Life is good. Goodnight everyone, tweet you tomorrow"

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Ava Does An Ice Cube Impression

It's Friday. Who do you think of when you hear the word 'Friday' (don't say Rebecca Black)? That's right, rapper/actor Ice Cube. Who is working on a killer impression of Ice Cube? My daughter. Check the video below, I think you'll get a laugh or two. And if anyone knows Ice Cube and wants to pass this on to him, maybe he'll give us our own sitcom.

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My Daughter Can Do Tricks, Wanna See?

I've come to realize that toddlers are not much different than trick dogs.

Okay, so maybe when parents show off their child's accomplishments, it's not presented EXACTLY like that. But there are some funny parallels between the way we indirectly brag about our kids' talents and the way a proud dog owner displays their pet's ability to follow commands.

Last night, I took a short video clip of one of my daughter's most recent 'tricks'. We slick her hair back after a bath, call her Vampire Baby and tell her to go 'BLAH!' like Dracula. I know, we are strange. But as I sat there shooting the video of us prodding her to keep saying 'BLAH!' (I think I even had her hiss at one point), it got me to thinking about all the strange things that parents put on display as their young kids are developing.

I'll be frank: Amanda and I are both weird. Admittedly, I am MUCH weirder. We are also both very fun and have great senses of humor. This has led us to teach Ava lots of unique, funny things to show off to people in order to make them laugh.

There really are a lot of similarities between parents and a puppy owner trying to train their pet to do 'outside the box' tricks. Sit, roll over and shake are all great and good. But every pet owner wants to have that dog that can do something Youtube-worthy. You know, walk on it's hind legs or ice skate or do a triple gainer off the high dive. Every pet owner wishes they could be on Letterman's 'Stupid Pet Tricks', and similarly, most parents want to have people saying 'Did you see what _____ & ______'s kid can do?'

In addition to the aforementioned 'Vampire Baby', here's a handful of examples of the "tricks" that we've taught Ava over the past few months. Some are bizarre, some are pretty standard for toddlers, but either way, they are all things that we take pride in and love to show off to our family and friends.

"Hip-hop!" - When someone yells out hip-hop, Ava quickly crosses her arms in an old-school Run-DMC-esque pose. Yes, I am fully responsible for this one.

"What does _______ say?" - The list of animals continues to grow on this one. We've got puppies (Fuff!), horses (Brrrr!), cows (Moo!), ducks (Cack!), and probably the newest and most entertaining of all: Mommy (No no no no no!).

"Go swimming!" - This is a bathtub trick, so it doesn't get shown off like the others, but it's still hilarious to see her flip to her stomach and kick her feet.

These guys' arm crosses have nothing on my daughter's hip-hop stance.

Beatboxing - Previously posted in a video for Wordless Wednesday, I love to watch her mimic beatboxing. Too funny.

"Rock and roll!" - A close relative of 'Hip-hop!', when we yell out Rock and Roll, Ava sticks out her tongue like Gene Simmons.

"Can you jump?" - She tries so hard, but just hasn't quite reached liftoff yet. But watching her intensity as she bends those knees and gets high up on her toes is adorable.

"Toot?" - Always met with a scrunch-faced grunting on her part.

"Be a zombie!" - Still a work in progress, but the ultimate goal is to have her raise her arms and front of her and groan (maybe when she's a bit older I'll modify it and have her say 'BRAAAAINS!').

"Step on the bugs!" - New as of yesterday when I got home from work. She lifts her leg high in the air then stomps it down in a thunderous death strike.

That's just a sampling of the 'Stupid Toddler Tricks' that we like to show off. I'm sure there are plenty that I forgot, and I'm sure we will constantly be adding to her repertoire as she gets older and is more able to follow instructions.

Sure, maybe we parents of younger kids can act like puppy owners showing off new tricks sometimes. And when we can't do it in person, we take photos and videos and flood people's inboxes, Facebook newsfeeds, etc. But in both situations, the principle is the same: pride. We are incredibly proud of our daughter, and behind each one of those silly little tricks is subtle bragging about how funny, cute and well-developed our little girl is.

So go ahead parents. Keep on teaching that child of yours tricks and showing them off to the world. I certainly won't judge you..until you start putting them on a leash, that is.

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Wordless Wednesday - My Daughter, The Beatboxer

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A Toddler Divided

When it comes to toddlers, you might think that the biggest decisions they face in their youth are pretty inconsequential. Do I want blueberries or bananas for breakfast? Should I play with my Busy Ball Popper or gigantic stuffed bunny first? Which bathroom drawer should I empty out today? Should I poop in my diaper or wait until I'm in the bathtub and create havoc for everybody? Day-to-day life is pretty easy, without any groundbreaking choices existing. But my daughter has an incredibly important choice to make at some point in her younger years, that is simply bubbling and growing as each day passes: will she be a fan of the Kansas Jayhawks or the Nebraska Cornhuskers?

My dad is an avid KU fan. Amanda's dad is a hardcore Huskers fan. In less than 2 years, both have already made valiant efforts to sway Ava's sports loyalty to their side of the proverbial NCAA fence. From books to clothing to lessons on saying mascot names and other applicable phrases (Go Big Red, Rock Chalk, etc.), there has been no shortage of attempts to place a bug in my daughter's brain. We've got  a serious Grandpa sports allegiance battle on our hands, and it's hard to say how it will end.

This collection is just the beginning..

Right now, KU seems to have taken a slight lead in this race. Ava can say 'Jayhawk' (kind of, it comes out as 'cock' or 'caw-cock') and is able to identify them upon sight. And she does seem to have developed a bit of an affection for them. But, with her, I know that could change at any moment. It's entirely possible that one day she'll see Herbie Husker and decide to drop her Jayhawk crush like a bad habit. Neither Grandpa has any sort of guarantee that Ava will stay loyal to their side.

Of course, this is all just the beginning. Chances are, this isn't a battle that will end lightly or immediately. Whenever she grows out of her current KU and Nebraska clothes, they'll be quickly replaced. Sooner than later, she'll be reaching the age where she can go to her first sporting events, and I don't doubt that Kansas and Nebraska games will be thrown in the mix. I'm already envisioning Jayhawk and Herbie Halloween costumes being suggested. And in 16 years, Ava will have voices in either ear, telling her she should go to college in Lawrence and Lincoln.

So who will come out on top and earn Ava's allegiance? I have no idea, and I don't plan to push her either way. If she likes the Jayhawks, great. If she decides she wants to chant 'Husker Power', then so be it. And for all we know, she may decide to fool us all and decide to cheer on a completely random team. Maybe she'll start wearing green and cheering on the Oregon Ducks (she does love to say 'Quack quack' as it is). Hey, given her obsession with monkeys, she might decide to be a Pitt State fan based on mascot alone. Maybe I'll throw a wrench in things and start buying her a bunch of Creighton University (my alma mater) stuff in hopes that she'll decide to be a Bluejay fan (fat chance). And obviously, there's always the possibility that she will loathe sports and think we are all idiots for devoting so much time to athletics. Honestly, I'm kind of putting my money on that one. Regardless of what she ends up deciding, I'll support it.

As long as she doesn't decide to be a Missouri Tigers fan.

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You've Got A Friend In "ZeeZee"

Well, it's happened. Our daughter,  just shy of 19 months old, abandoned us for a friend.

Okay, maybe I'm being a little melodramatic. But when you're a first-time parent, sometimes little events can trigger a tidal wave of emotional response, especially when the event is completely indicative of your little one growing up and needing you even slightly less.

Saturday evening, we were all at a fish fry hosted by Nana and Papa D's (Grandma and Grandma on mom's side, for those who aren't in the know) neighbors. Included were a number of kids, including an adorable, friendly 5-year-old girl named Izzy. While 'big kids' can often be too busy with their own activities to notice somebody as little as Ava, Izzy immediately took to her and befriended her.

Now, Ava has had encounters with kids before, but it was all pretty inconsequential. What happened next, neither Amanda and I were prepared for. Ava trotted off with Izzy (who affectionately became known as "ZeeZee" to Ava), leaving us in the dust without looking back. The two proceeded to the yard and played Ring Around The Rosie, kicked a ball around and ate watermelon; and not once did Ava look for us, come running for us or show any concern about what Mom and Dad were up to.

Sure, this may not seem like a big deal to the average person. But we are talking about a little girl who spazzes out when her own grandparents come over and she thinks Mom or Dad are leaving. Yesterday she spent the majority of the day clinging to one of our legs in a daylong fit of separation anxiety.

These children had an unfortunate encounter with Medusa while playing Ring Around The Rosie.

So why the sudden change of heart? What kind of spell did this 5-year-old girl cast over Ava that made her drop us like a bad habit? While Ava played with Izzy, I'm sure Amanda and I both looked like sad little prairie dogs, constantly popping our heads up and looking over in the yard, hoping that at some point Ava would show some sort of need for us.

It's all kind of ironic. As frustrated as we may get on Ava's "extra clingy" days, we really would never want it to end. If she woke up one morning and suddenly showed complete independence and no need for either of us, I think our hearts would collectively shatter into a million pieces.

Her 'alone' playtime with "ZeeZee" was heartwarming. It was exciting. But it was frightening. While on the surface, it's just a toddler and a Kindergartner having innocent fun, in my mind it was like a flash forward to Ava being in Junior High and running out to go to a sleepover every chance she got. It was Ava turning 16, and realizing that with a driver's license (or friends who could drive), she wasn't as tethered to the house anymore. It was her leaving for an out-of-state college, coming back only when she was low on food or needed to do laundry. It was a spark that will inevitably contribute to a burning desire for independence that will only grow as she gets older.

Ava is still little, and obviously still needs us. But as she grows up and meets more Izzies, Susies, Lizzies and Julies (like that rhyme I spit?), that tendency to gravitate towards friendships (and away from Mom and Dad) will only increase. And of course, I want her to have friends. I just don't want her to ever forget that Mom and Dad will always be her best friends.  Hey, I'd like to think I can rock a pretty good game of Ring Around The Rosie too!

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Sealed with a Kiss (or 500)

Kissing is weird. Really though, when you get down to it, it's a pretty bizarre concept. By slapping together our wet faceholes that are biologically engineered for breathing and eating, we are showing each other affection? Huh. And the acceptance of kissing goes through some odd phases. As a baby, you are essentially taught to kiss everything under the sun. Then as you enter junior high and high school, your parents treat kissing like a sexual gateway drug and tell you to keep your lips to yourself. But behind closed doors, you are tongue wrestling with everyone in sight; that is, until you find that special someone, and suddenly they become the only one you kiss. And then you have a child, become the one teaching the 'kiss everything' lessons, and it all starts over again in one strange, lip-smacking Circle of Life.

My daughter has now reached the point of being in a constant kissing frenzy. It started off as pecks for me and my wife. It gradually progressed to grandparents, then some of her favorite toys, then she learned to blow kisses. Now anything on this planet that exists in some state of matter is fair game when it comes to her affection. Here's a brief list of some of the things I've seen her kiss lately:

• Sidewalk chalk drawings

• Her clothing

• The horse emblem on my Polo shirts

• Bubbles

• Bath water

• Elmo Easter basket

• A box of Pita Chips

• Mirrors (she's a vain little girl)

• Countless pictures in books, and ALWAYS the ones of monkeys

Clearly, she doesn't have a lot of discretion as to where, who, or what she places her lips on. Or does she? Although it can be a little disgusting at times ("we do NOT put our mouth on the puppy's food bowl!"), for the most part it's extremely endearing. And the fact is, because she still hasn't mastered talking yet, kissing (always accompanied by a familiar, breathy "MAH!") is her way of simply saying "I think you're awesome!" to whomever/whatever is on the receiving end.  She can't look at me in the morning and say "This Abby Cadabby top would go great with those pink stretch pants", so instead she lays a wet one on it. She can't tell the dog "You know, I really appreciate how you tolerate me poking you in the eye and pulling your tail", so she buries her face dangerously close to his butt and gives him a smooch.

Seal knows a thing or two about kissing random objects.

She loves everything. And I love that she loves everything.

As nerdy and as trite as it sounds, that wonderment of a child is a beautiful thing to behold. There's an innocence to her kissing habits that brings a smile to my face. As someone who is typically a pessimist and spends too much time talking about the things I hate, seeing her show so much adoration towards so many different things helps defrost my jaded-by-adult-life heart. Life's too short to be angry about everything, and you don't have to be the drunk guy at the party to love everything around you. Quite frankly, the only things I've ever seen my daughter openly dislike are the vacuum cleaner and doorstoppers (we still haven't figured this one out), and that's only because she's convinced they're going to attack her.

After you read this, take a page from my daughter and spend a day focusing on all the things you think are awesome in your life. Now, I'm not advising you to go out and kiss everybody that does something nice for you. That stranger who lets you merge during rush hour might be a bit taken aback when you rush up to their car window with your lips puckered. Maybe we should all spend a day each week making a list of the things we think are great. In a time where the Internet is a harboring ground for complaining, anger, and grumbling, it's important for everybody to stop and refocus on the good things in life.

Call me a sap, call me corny. I'm just ready to start handing out kisses.

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Lost In Translation

I've never been on a true 'international' vacation. Sure, my Senior year of high school, I spent spring break on a drunken boat ride through the Caribbean. And my then girlfriend (now wife) and I took a trip to Mexico a few years back, but 'cerveza' was the most extensive Spanish required during our stay. Despite my lack of experience when it comes to traveling abroad, I've got to believe that tackling a foreign language barrier has to be equivalent to deciphering a child's words when they first start talking.

Although you could say Ava has been 'talking' for months now, it's just been the past couple where she has really started to become a motormouth, offering jumbled commentary on pretty much everything she can. At times it can be like dealing with a drunk friend at 3 AM.

"You need what?"

"I'm sorry, can you repeat that? You're slurring again."

"No, that's not a puppy."

"Okay, hold on a second, did you just poop your pants?"

And sometimes, even if we can't figure out specific words, we have to resort to using context clues to help us figure out what message she's trying to relay. For example, when she's pointing at the coat closet, jabbering quickly and nervously, it essentially means: "Hey, that's where you keep that loud, floor-sucking machine right? Right in there? Yeah? Do you think you could open that door so I could look at it? JUST LOOK AT IT THOUGH. Because I SWEAR, if you turn it on or try to make me touch it, I will FREAK OUT!!!"

But as time goes on, my wife and I are gradually developing our own "Ava Dictionary" for certain words and sounds that come out of her mouth. And believe it or not, it's harder than you might imagine. Some words mean different things depending on the situation. And much like Mandarin Chinese, some words require close to attention to the inflection in her voice. So this morning, I scribbled down some notes on some of the words that might be misinterpreted by the common individual. In case you ever come visit, here's an introductory translation dictionary for our daughter:


Cock - Quack or Jayhawk. Yes, don't be alarmed if she yells out 'Cock!' randomly. She just sees one of these birds.

Cawcock - Jayhawk (formal).

Otch - Watch or Ouch. Is she pointing at that shiny thing on your wrist? Then it's probably the former. Did she just fall off the rocking ottoman after trying to scale it, YET AGAIN? Then the latter is a safe bet.

Pay - Play. So if you're out at a restaurant and she's telling you she wants to 'pay', don't think she's about to whip out the plastic any time soon.

Momo - Elmo, as in the red furry one. Don't talk smack about Elmo around her, because you're liable to get a size 5 Circo sandal up your ass.

Boo - Boo or Blue. Note whether she is yelling it or if she is pointing to the ball on page 8 of 'Baby Needs A Hug'.

Sorry KU fans, my daughter thinks you're all cocks.

Awsh - Wash. Not to be confused with 'Otch', this is generally heard during bathtime or right after an especially messy meal.

Popeye - Happy. Makes sense, I mean Popeye always had a half-smile on his face, right? Granted, it was probably due to a neuromuscular disease caused by contaminated spinach, but let's look at the silver lining here.

Beebee - Baby, bye bye, or blueberry. This can be a real tough one. First, try to tackle this one contextually, but you have to also understand that Ava tends to reference babies even when they are not present and don't pertain to the subject at hand. If stumped, feed her a blueberry, pretend to be an infant and wave goodbye simultaneously.

So there's a sampling of what you can expect in the Ava Translation Dictionary. Of course, this is just a starter's guide, the free version, if you will. I'm still trying to pitch a full-blown, paid version to Rosetta Stone, but for some reason, nobody has returned my calls or e-mails. What a bunch of Jayhawks.

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